Dear Diary
by Allie-Dee
Summary: Look at Kim Carlisle's diary entries. Is now a chapter story. [completed]
1. Chapter 1

Dear Diary,  
  
Hello, my name is Kim Carlisle. I really want to know why I had the urge to write in this. I'm not a diary sort of girl. I'm KIM CARLISLE for goodness sake! Popular and the number one DJ for Cougar Radio. I guess I can drop the front now, since no one will see this. I'll probably bury it in my closet or just plain ol' burn it. What I mean is, I'm not really the girl everyone sees. I'm not perfect; I'm really a slob at home. I'm not popular; people hate me because of my snobby-ness. And I am the number one DJ, but seriously folks, no one cares what I say. They're all listening to that dreadful, horrible, disgusting radio station...  
  
RFR.  
  
I've hated RFR since it came on. Why you ask? It did everything I said on Cougar Radio differently. The DJs were free and weren't suck-ups. The things they said were sassy. Me? I was just a run-down DJ on Cougar Radio who sucked up to Mr. Waller. No one cared if I had an opinion. No one. I mean sure, I had friends...but they wanted my clothes. I had to pay people to become my friends so I didn't look like some loser loner. The truth is, I'm jealous of RFR. I'm jealous that they can say what they want. I mean, they have secret identies...no one will ever see them. It feels like I have a secret identity. I have to be such a good girl because of my parents. They think I have to be this amazing person. They think I have tons of friends.  
  
But I don't. Only one person actually heard me out one day of my entire life. Robbie McGrath. He's 2 years younger than me, and my so called friends would think I'm a loser if I fell in love with him. But really, I am already in love. I like him a lot. He's just there for me and the person I always wanted. I just want to be with him.  
  
The only problem is, I can't. I'm too snobby and I care about what people think. Everyone would label me weird because I'm going out with some weird freshman. Only, I'm the one that's weird. I'm the one that's a coward! I don't understand why I can't become who I want to be. I run away from the good things in life because I'm frightned people will hate or tease me because of it. I've always "loved" being in the spotlight, my parents would say to their friends. They think I love attention. I actually just want to become someone in the crowd. I don't want to stand out! My parents...they think I'm an angel.  
  
But seriously, I'm just a killer. I've killed myself over and over just to become someone I'm not. I've destroyed my values, opinions, dreams and fears...  
  
Just to become someone I hate.  
  
Just to become someone I despise looking at in the mirror.  
  
Just to become someone that no one will never care about or fall in love with.  
  
People never seen me cry at night, since they think I'm so strong. But they'd probably just laugh if they knew. I don't think anyone knows anything about me. They only hate me because I'm popular, snobby...but maybe if I had the courage to tell people what I think and if they found out that I'm not as spoiled as they truely think I am...maybe I'd actually have friends.  
  
No one knows how jealous I am when I see Robbie hanging out with his friends, just laughing..just having fun. No one knows how much I'd die just to be like them. If I had to choose to become a loner with only 2 very good friends of a popular girl with tons of friends that actually hate me...I'd choose the first one.  
  
There are a lot of rumors that go around that are about me...my favorite is that I have a heart of steel, people say. I will never let anyone get close to me. People are scared to be near me and I will never give anyone a chance The only reason that I don't want to be near people is because they might found the most dreadful fear in my entire life...  
  
Myself.  
  
With Love,  
  
Kim Carlisle

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The reason I made this was because it came out of me. I never saw one fanfic about Kim. She was always the bad girl and the enemy in the stories, but really, she's just confused. And so, that was Kim...in my eyes. I hope you enjoy it. Chapter 2 will up soon!  
  
-Allie 


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

It's been a week since I've wrote in you. I thought I should have trashed you but my gut kept telling me different. So, what do I write about? I've just basically spoke my mind in the last entry, what's the point of making another one? To tell you the great things that's happened today? I laugh at my sense of humor. "Great things"? Is that such a thing for me? According to some freshman I overheard today in the shadows, I have no "feelings" or "a heart" and all I do is "ruin people's lives".

Am I really that much like a dictator? Am I really that heartless and cruel? How many people have I hurt? Hundreds? These questions keep haunting me at night as I toss and turn. Who am I anyway? What burned inside of me that made me so horrible? How come I felt like spies where always watching me and if I didn't do something right...I was going to be laughed at; ruined.

Yesterday, I had this survey to fill out. I was just thinking whatever as I filled them out but the questions come back to me. One of them read, "What song do you think resembles your life most?" I just put something about happiness and stuff but as Coldplay's "Spies" sings in the backround...I keep thinking. "That's my life. That's me."

The verses "I awake to see no one is free" and "Cos they're all spies, they're all spies." Whatever happened to happy life I lead before I turned evil? What was my childhood like? What sent this burning rage inside of me that made me so...like me now? I think so much and nothing comes to mind. The happy thoughts are drowned out by the ways of today. But wait...I can remember one memory so clearly...the one that made me angry and the one that made me cry for days.

It was the worst day of my life, as I recall. I was 7. I was playing in the local playground, happy as can be. I remember a group of not too older guys and girls come up to me. They were smirking and snickering. I, the clueless one, didn't know what was going on until a strong, dry hand came up to me and pushed me down into the dirt. My hands and knees stung; a cut came on my leg. I was covered in dirt. By now, I was really angry, and jumped back up and looked them straight in the eye.

"Why'd you do that? You bullies!" I shouted at them, they looked amused. I was just a game, a toy, a puppet. I wasn't anything to them but just a fun, afterschool game. I controlled my rage as I watched one of them, a tall girl walk from the back of the group to the front with a frown on her face. It was obvious she was the leader.

She snorted. "Bullies eh? That's us. And we're going to get whatever we want because we're not nice like you innocent little children." Her hand came up and then slapped my face. I fell down again, grasping my cheek. It stung something horrible. "Nice guys finish last, remember that. We're just teaching you a lesson."

Then they all surrounded me and kicked me and punched me and I felt helpless. I screamed sometimes but they ordered me to be quiet. Everything hurt on my body and when I finally couldn't fight back I collapsed on the ground, they laughed and cackled and were proud as if they did something great. After a few minutes, they retreated with joy and evil smiles on their faces. I laid on my side, as some tears fell down upon my dirty face. I felt horrible. I felt destroyed.

But the words kept coming back to me "Nice guys finish last." I decided that day, I couldn't be nice anymore. I had to be mean like that, or else they would just push me down again. They were just teaching me a lesson and it made it seem like they were doing me a favor. A few days after using my new attitude, I had followers, a rep and respect from all. I felt good about myself. I felt like I was a leader. I was the one who was going to push people down, not the other way around.

After a couple of years, though, I started feeling horrible just like that day. Why did I feel like I was in distress when I was on top? Then, I realized that nice guys finish first and I been living my life the wrong way. I was just living in like a lie. I was now so into my evilness, I couldn't get back out. It wasn't like they said it would be like.

I had swallowed myself in, locked myself in and I couldn't get out as much as I tried. If I was nice, people thought I was just crazy. My reputation had took me too far and was now controlling me. Life as I knew it was a nightmare. I wasn't me. But if I started acting differently it would be the end to all my power and even I did act all kind and nice people wouldn't believe me.

Now I have to end this; I'm getting a headache.

Goodbye,

Kim Carlisle

* * *

Yup, guess what guys? I've made this into a chapter story on the-n and here too! Hope you enjoy it!

Allie


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

Another week has flew by, but I have not noticed it. Not one bit. I've been obsessing over Robbie McGrath again. I see him in the halls and whenever I do, I want to just talk to him but my fake friends following me point and him and giggle insanely. I, however, do not find this the least bit amusing. And this week, he kissed me! But, I kissed him back. The horrible thing is I blew up a few minutes later, because people, Year 9's to Year 12's were just staring at me, pointing, and whispering.

I hated the way I looked over his shoulder and saw them pointing at me. But I kept kissing him, because I knew I loved him. I knew I wanted to be with them. I just had convince my rep I loved him. Then one of my "friends", Opal came up to me and questioned about the rumor of me kissing an Year 9 nobody. I blinked a couple of times, pretending to be confused then raised an eyebrow. I saw Robbie walking by. I wanted to yell It's true! when Robbie came me a smile only I could see. 

My mouth felt dry, though, as I said, "Ha! What kind of rumor is that? Me, kissing a Year 9?! That is so never going to happen in this lifetime." Opal laughed and then walked away, to tell the other girls. Robbie turned back to look at me and shot me a look. I felt lower than low, when he just walked away.

It's hard to love someone younger than you. You want them to catch up with you always. Well...I mean, if it was a girl in Year 9 and an older guy, that so would totally work. It always does. But a younger guy and an older girl? Probably not because...well...I mean, it just doesn't work. I told him that; I told Robbie that, trying to explain of my behavior the other day. He just looked at me and shook his head. "We'll make it work." he said, and I just looked at him. He was cocky. And I liked him like that.

Enough of Robbie. Just talking about him made me feel more sad, more uncontrolably wanting to kill myself. I crashed into a boy, today, who seemed younger than me. I feel down and all the papers I were carrying flew gently, before going up and down, to the floor. I was angry and I got up and jabbed my finger at him. "What the heck do you think you just did?! You just crashed into me, Kim Carlisle, and you are going to PAY you little midget!"

The boy looked very suprised at my rudeness. Though, I would be too. I felt kind of ashamed at my anger...but, I was having an extra-bad day. To my suprise though, the boy started to help me get the papers together. He got them all in neat order, instead of scampering away, like I thought he would. He put them in my hands and then gave me this look. It wasn't a mean look, it was a kind look. A pity look. Like he knew me. Like he knew my dairy, my intermost thoughts.

It was impossible, of course, to read my mind, but it confused the heck out of me. Then the boy, just walked away. I looked at him as he walked and this wave of mystery pored over me. _Who was he?_ I thought. I never saw him again after that. I don't think he even goes to Roscoe High. But that can't be possible because why would he even be here? There were no meetings for Year 8's to check this high school out, or other people from other high school's coming in. I even asked Waller, and he just raised his eyebrows, and then shook his head. He knew nothing about any of those either.

So then who was he? It seemed like he was an angel, to change my outlook on younger people or something. To make me see how it feels nice to have someone be kind and have manners to me...so then I can test them out on other people. I know it sounds dumb, but he did seem like an angel or something. I wish I knew his name. He seemed like someone that would be my friend, even if I treated him like dirt.

Or was that person _me_? Was that boy the side of me that could be revealed? The nice side, the caring side. The one that smiles with happiness, genuine happiness. Is that me, underneath all the pretending and make-up and bitter personality?

Maybe that's the reason I want to find him.

Maybe...that's the reason I want to find _me._

Love,

Kim Carlisle

* * *

Ha! I got another chapter up! I feel so accomplished! I need to get Gold Paper done though! I have no inspiration for that fanfic though! Urggg...gotta find it soon!

Allie


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary, 

I cannot believe I just did that. I cannot believe _he_ just did that!  
  
Robbie McGrath dumped _me_, Kim Carlisle.  
  
I can hardly write these words.  
  
Ok, so I stood him up at the coffee shop. Ok, so I was a jerk to him. Ok, so I didn't tell everyone that we were going out. Does that give him a reason to totally backstab me?! Actually...that is a pretty good reason. Oh, my God...I am such an idiot.  
  
First off, he asked me out. I said yes, smiling. But then my fake friends caught me and they asked me about it. I denied it; and said that I was just going to stand him up as the pathetic loser he is. They looked at each other and grinned and then said, "Well, if that's true, come over at Clarissa's house at five." I was shocked. "Since, of course, that's when you're going with the guy you're not going out with, right?"  
  
They were devious. They knew it; I knew it. I wanted to say, no way and then leave him speechless...but the words I uttered were completely different. "Ooh, sure. I was going to hang out at my place, watching TV, thinking about how I probably crushed his heart, but your place sounds more inviting." And then we laughed.  
  
Wicked, malevolence, deceitful, foolish, reckless, evil...I don't know _what_ I am! I don't know what I was thinking! I can't believe I stood him up. And then, in the back of my mind, I could feel his pain, as he looked at his clock, seeing I was late. And then feeling the click inside his mind telling him that I wasn't late...I just wasn't coming.  
  
I felt _horrible_.  
  
Then, at 6 o'clock, Clarissa heard the doorbell ring and then opened the door. I watched out of the corner of my eye. "Is Kim there?" someone asked.  
  
And then a rush of surprise swept over me.  
  
_Robbie_.  
  
Robbie was at Clarissa's house, wanting to see me. Oh God. "Sure, she's here." then Clarissa turned her head and shouted, "Hey, the dork's here! Says he wants to see you Kim!" I got up, my legs feeling like jell-o and made it to the door. "Let him off easy." she whispered as she left Robbie and I face to face. I nodded and laughed softly to her, but the big lump in my throat got in the way.  
  
"Come out here Kim." he muttered, after I gave him a meek smile. He grabbed my arm and pulled me outside. Once we were both out there, he slammed the door and threw me against it. "So this is your idea of a _joke_?! Kim Carlisle, I thought you were smarter than that! You ditch me, and then hang out with these idiotic _losers_?!"  
  
I could barely take in all these words; tears were stinging in my eye. "N-no," I choked out finally. "I mean...Robbie...I..."  
  
"Kim, I love you. I love you so much. I try. I really try to make you happy. And then..." he paused, looking at me with pity. "You don't give me anything back. But that's what people do! I mean, you're so selfish and so weak! You think I'm always going to be here for you! Some people think _they_ depend on _you_ Kim...but really, _you_ depend on _them_."  
  
I stood there like a statue.  
  
I...depend on..._them_?  
  
I wanted to protest, but I couldn't say anything. He was _right_. Maybe I do depend on them. I depend on them giving me compliments. I depend on them talking to me; to make me feel popular. I depend on my parents to say 'good job' or buy my things. I depend on Robbie to give me love.  
  
Oh God, I was thinking, knowing he was completely right. "Robbie..." I whispered, some tears rolling down my cheeks, going slowly.  
  
"I know you have a tough life Kim; I know it's hard but..." he bit his lip, staring at me. "I can't see you anymore if you're just going to hide in the shadows. I mean, you're determined and stubborn and try to make people think you have it all together but I know you don't. I try to help but you just push me away. You push everyone away. I can't see you anymore...I can't handle it."  
  
What?! I was thinking, hearing him say, "Goodbye..." and then turning around and walking away. No! NO! I wanted to scream, but I just stood there, watching him walk away.  
  
Watching my _life_ walk away.  
  
Then I sat down on the porch, hot tears coming down, with no way to stop them. "R-hic-Robbie..." I sobbed. "No…"  
  
This isn't fair. This isn't the way it's supposed to turn out.  
  
My nightmare is coming _true_...  
  
I'm becoming someone I hate more and more. And I _can't_ stop it.  
  
Kim Carlisle

* * *

Whoa, I must say, that was really fun to write. I mean, not fun, but...interesting.

Anywho, I hope you guys like it!!!

Allie


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Diary,

It's been very interesting since a few days ago. My friends saw me crying, and were a bit stunned for a moment. They realized, even though they are so utterly stupid, that I loved him: a freshman loser. They dismissed me with some hurtful parting words: "We never liked you anyway."

As they brushed me out of the clique, I wanted to screech, "Then why did you hang out with me? Why did you say you thought I was so devious and cool? Why didn't you leave me in the first place?" I knew the answer. They wanted my power and my clothes. They knew the answer.

I couldn't go home with my eyes red and my face puffy, so I stumbled to the park to get some air. I sat on a bench, waiting for someone to come along and pity me and ask what's wrong. But something different happened.

I sat there and then after ten minutes, some nineteen or eighteen-year old girls walked by, and they were laughing about some movie. I recognized one of them. It was that one girl who terrorized me when I was seven. The one that changed me. I stared as I sat there, and watched her look oh-so-happy, not knowing she ruined my life.

I sat there, thinking if she never, ever bullied me...then I'd be different. I would be with Robbie, I'd have real friends, and I wouldn't be a snob.

I don't know what came over me the next second. I just couldn't stand how she was laughing, while I felt like crying, because of what she did to me. Suddenly I jumped up, not able to control my thoughts or actions, and ran over to the tall girl and punched her in the face. "I hate you!" The followers were speechless and they fell to the ground to see if she was okay.

"Marley?" They asked her, checking if she broke anything. The girl, "Marley", looked stunned. I guess I would be too if a girl, out of the blue, just attacked me.

"I hate you so much! Why did you push me to the ground and say nice guys finish last? Why the hell did you change me?! Why did everything turn out like this?"

Then I started hitting her, kicking her. I wanted her dead. I wanted her to die. I couldn't stand to look at her. Because she was me. She changed me. She was the evil shadow that crept onto my heart and made me turn bad. I hated her. Her friends tried to stop me, but I pushed them away. I was stronger than I thought.

"Why aren't you getting up and fighting me?! Are you weak?! I'M JUST TEACHING YOU A LESSON! Right? Right? Isn't that what you did to me? What you tried to teach me?!" The friends finally pulled me away and stopped me. I looked at what I did to her. Her hair was messed up, her nose was bloody and she had scratches and bruises all around her.

I felt so alive. I wanted to do more. I wanted to see her begging for mercy.

One of the friends, who escaped, came running back with a policeman. I didn't care if I was still trying to kill her while he was watching. I still wanted her to die. The policeman gripped my hand and I started screaming. "Let! Me! Go!" I shouted. "Let me kill her! I hate her! She changed me! She ruined my life!"

The man whispered something to me, but I didn't hear above my screaming.He gave up and thentook out a cell phone and started dialing ashe put meinto a car. After some more yelling,I sat there in silence. I kept screeching in my head. Why did she torment me that day? Why didn't I ignore her? I was cursing myself and cursing her. I couldn't stand her. I couldn't stand me.

I was taken to a police station and into an empty room. It was so cold and bare and I felt so alone. Then a woman came in and sat on a chair across from me. The questions started coming. "Who are you?"

"Kim Carlisle."

She scribbled something on a piece of paper and without looking up, she said, "I'm Charlotte." Glancing up, she asked, "Why did you hit Ms. Marley Edwards?"

"I hate her." I said it like it was so simple to do, without any hesitation.

"And why is that? What did she do?"

"I remember her face and her eyes from when I was seven. I was playing alone in the playground and then she came along and started hitting me with her pals, telling me only nice guys finish last and I should toughen up...and because of her, I turned into something I never wanted to become. All...all because of her." I finished, and some tears starting plopping out.

"So, when you saw her, you wanted to hurt her? Bring pain to her?"

"I wanted to kill her." The words floated out of my mouth. "I wanted to make her realize that she did something wrong. Something that changed a person into a monster."

"Did something happen? Something bad before you saw her?"

"My boyfriend..." I hesitated. "I loved this boy, he's 14 and I'm 16, and because of my social status and my reputation and how I'm so afraid of being made fun of, I never told anyone. And I ditched him for my fake friends. Then he came and broke up with me. So I started crying and my so-called friends saw and thought I wasn't very cool, so they ditched me."

"Is being popular everything to you?"

"Being perfect is everything to me. To my parents. To everyone. I'm Kim, the one who's tough and popular and always making fun of people but..." Tears started gushing out even more. "I hate it. I hate myself."

"What about your parents?"

"I hate them. They think I'm such an angel, so calm and wonderful...but...if I had the choice, I'd kill everyone I hate and run away."

Charlotte paused and scribbled something down, and then looked up. She stared at me, and I stared at her. I didn't feel self-conscious or scared or anything. I felt good. I just told someone what I was feeling for the past years.

"Am I the first person to hear about this?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Aren't you feeling betrayed by your mouth?"

"I feel kind of happy I told someone actually. My mind is clear."

"Do you still want to kill Ms. Edwards?"

I stopped for a moment and thought about it. My anger was almost all gone. I didn't want to kill her anymore. I just wanted to tell her what she did to me was wrong. "No."

Her tense face relaxed, and said, "That's good." We sat in silence for a moment then she said, "I'll let you go, but you have to tell Ms. Edwards you are sorry."

So, off I went to the hospital and to room 285 to see the person I wanted to kill. It would have been horrible if I did kill her. Her parents would be running after me, telling me I'm horrible...it would be on my record for years, forever. I'd hate myself even more.

I opened the door after some failing tries and long deep breaths and looked at the girl in the bed. "Uh, Marley Edwards? I-I'm Kim." I said as I walked over to the bed, stumbling; my knees weak. Her face was scratched, and she looked as if she wasin hell, but nothing looked severe.

She stared at me. I was expecting her to scream at me,but then something shocking happened. Shestarted crying. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry I made you feel horrible that day, so many years ago! But my parents got a divorce and my friends wanted to bully someone and I was the leader so I just..."

Shocked, I stood there, amazed that the person who hurt me actually hurt herself. "I'm...I'm sorry I wanted to kill you." I started sobbing. We were a sad sight to see. I told her what happened to me and she told me what happened to her.

It's so weird that killers in the world feel remorse shortly after and if they had the chance to do it again, they would have changed it entirely. It's like Marley and me. If I had a second chance, I wouldn't take what she said seriously. And if she had a second chance she wouldn't have bullied me.

When I told her about Robbie, she said, "I know how you feel." Then she continued to tell me about the guy of her dreams but her friends didn't accept him so she had to turn him down. "He didn't even want to be friends with me after that," she whispered.

Diary, it's strange that she apologized and I did too. I thought she would start jumping out of her bed and start yelling and hitting me. And it's so odd that she was still in Roscoe. And that I saw her, at that moment. Was it fate?

How is it that enemies can become friends? We talked for hours and then she confessed, "I was jealous at that moment I saw you. You looked so happy. I wanted to take it away from you."

"That's exactly how I felt when I saw in the park today. I kept thinking, 'How can she be happy when she just ruined my life? Why and how?' Then this anger started bubbling up and I exploded." There was silence as I stared at her bruise on her cheek. "Sorry about that."

Laughing, she said, "I'm fine. Don't worry." Then she pointed at my heart and remarked, "Sorry about that."

"Thanks, I'm better now. I can't stay the way I am. I have to work harder, you know?" I told her, looking out the window. "I'm not weak."

"Tell me about it," she commented, touching her arm like she was in pain, laughing. I laughed with her.

When we stopped giggling, the nurse came in and told me I have to leave. As I got up, I said softly, "So, are we friends?"

"Sure Kim."

And suddenly, as I looked at her, the sun set in the background. And at that moment, I felt as I was truly alive. The rift was gone; she was the start of my shadow and the finish. Now I'm at the start of having her as my light.

I felt so light in the knees and everything felt so amazing. As I walked out of the hospital, I saw Robbie there talking with his friend Lily Randall. If this was yesterday, I would have walked away. But this was now. I raced over to him and jumped onto him, giving him a hug.

"I love you Robbie!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, "I love you! And I'm not ashamed! I'll never be ashamed of you again! I love you Robbie, and I'm not letting you go! I'll change for you. You'll see a new Kim."

Lily looked surprised, but she also looked like she knew we loved each other since the first day we fell in love. Robbie was more shocked then she was. "Do you mean that?" he questioned me.

I thought for a moment -- how Marley hurt me, how I became spoiled and a snob, how I fell in love, how I got dumped, how I got ditched by my friends, how I hurt Marley.

"Yes," I whispered. "I do."

Is this going to be a happy ending for me? Am I actually going to be someone that I accept? Or will I fall, fall down and never be able to get up?

I don't know any of those questions, but when I stood there in his arms, things that I always cared about -- my reputation, clothes, my taste of boys -- faded out.

I hope it stays that way.

Goodbye Diary, this is my last entry. I may not have the most interesting life, but knowing someone or something listened to me...it helped.

Forever yours,  
Kim

---------

There. I'm done. Dear Diary is done. It was, in fact, an amazing thing to write. This story flowed out of my mouth, it was easy -- well, sort of -- to write. This chapter was hard to write though. I kept changing it; trying to make it flow more. In the beginning, it was just like, Kim attacked a girl and OHMIGOD, she's gone psycho. LOL, yeah...

Thanks to:

fictionlynchick  
Erilina Silverstra  
Ra-Power  
Dangrassi  
Sparklegirl Sassy  
Reviewchick14  
renisanz  
luvsrobbie  
n/a  
rainbowishprincess

You were very kind and and even though I hardly updated, you kept reading. Thank you!

Allie

PS: Oh, fiddlesticks, is it really over? I'm going to miss Kim. But you'll see more of her in my new fic "Robbie Who?" coming out sooner or later!


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